Tag: royal family

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A Letter From the Duke: On the Matter of the Missing Lid

A cat looking suspiciously at a box with no lid in a dim room

To our valued residents, I write to you with a heavy heart. Last night, between the hours of 2 AM and 5 AM, the lid of the Royal Box vanished. It was a fine lid. It had served us well. It will be missed.

The Evidence

A thorough search of the house has revealed no lid. We found a feather, a hair tie, and a small piece of cheese, but not the lid. We have therefore concluded that the lid was taken, and we have named a suspect.

The Suspect

The suspect is Gary, a ginger cat who was last seen lying on a pile of laundry with a look of absolute innocence. When questioned, Gary declined to speak. When asked whether he was involved, he yawned. We consider this a confession.

Our Response

  • A reward of one dried shrimp for the return of the lid
  • A new lid of equal dignity, ordered from the delivery service
  • An increase in night patrols, performed by the sleepy guard
  • A public ceremony of mourning on Thursday, with snacks

A Reflection

A lid is more than a piece of cardboard. It is a promise of privacy, a roof over the head, and a symbol of all we hold dear. It is also an excellent surface for sitting on, when no one is watching.

A Plea

If you have seen the lid, or know its whereabouts, please step forward. You will not be punished. You will be offered a snack, a lengthy thank you, and possibly a small medal.

Yours in corrugation and in hope, His Grace, Duke Corrugato of Cardboard Royale.

Postscript

UPDATE: As we went to press, a faint rustling was heard under the sofa. The lid, it appears, was there all along, along with two socks, a bottle cap, and a very small spider. Gary has asked that all charges be dropped. They will not be dropped, but they will be reduced to a warning.

This letter is a work of satire.

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Interior Design Series: The Art of the Cardboard Throne

A cat sitting regally on a box with a small purple cushion on top

Interior design need not be expensive. At Cardboard Royale, we have discovered that the most elegant seat in any home is a well chosen box with a flat top. We call it the Throne, and today we will show you how to make one.

Selecting Your Base

Choose a sturdy box, preferably one that once carried something dense, such as books. The box should be at least as tall as a standard cushion. Avoid anything that dents easily. A dented throne is a throne that has been challenged.

Preparing the Surface

Remove all tape, labels, and staples from the top. Flatten any flaps and tuck them inward. Smooth the surface with a paw until it is level, and then walk across it twice to test it. If it holds, it will hold.

Adding Comfort

  • A small cushion in a rich colour
  • A folded blanket for warmth
  • A single feather, for ambiance
  • A sprinkling of fur, which will appear on its own

Positioning

Place the throne in a location with a good view of the room, ideally near a window. The ruler of the house must see everything, including the door, the kitchen, and the sofa that is rightfully theirs.

The Ceremony

Once the throne is ready, climb up slowly. Turn around once. Settle down. Look at your subjects. Do not blink first. The coronation is complete when a nearby human says the words, “Oh, look at her,” in a quiet voice.

Pitfalls

A throne is not a trampoline. Repeated jumping will cause the top to cave in, leaving the ruler in an undignified position. If this occurs, step away calmly and say that you meant to do it.

Our design consultants are available for home visits, though they prefer to be visited at home.

Final Touches

A true throne is never finished. Add a small flag if you wish, made from a bit of ribbon and a pencil. Keep it away from the edge, as a flag tends to attract a paw. Our consultants note that a throne without a flag is simply a seat, and a seat without a ruler is simply a box.

This article is satire and offers no real design advice.

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Decree of the Royal Family: New Rules for Delivery Day

A small cat sitting on a pile of newly delivered parcels on a doorstep

HEAR YE, HEAR YE. By the authority granted to us by the sacred order of corrugation, we, Duke Corrugato and Lady Flute of Cardboard Royale, hereby decree the following regulations concerning Delivery Day.

Article One: The Arrival

When the doorbell rings, all subjects shall run to the door at speed and assemble in a semicircle. No subject shall open the door. This is the task of the human, who has been trained for it and will be thanked later with a stare.

Article Two: The Inspection

Every parcel shall be sniffed on all sides. Parcels bearing the smell of another animal shall be treated with suspicion. Parcels bearing no smell at all shall be treated with suspicion and respect.

Article Three: The Claim

  • The first cat to sit on a box owns it
  • A box with its contents removed is open to claim by anyone
  • A box with its contents still inside is the property of the human, until they leave the room
  • Tape shall be removed by claw, for entertainment

Article Four: The Disposal

No box shall be recycled before it has been used for at least seven days. A box sent for recycling prematurely shall be considered an act of aggression, and the offending human shall be subject to a prolonged meow at 4 AM.

Article Five: Gratitude

All cats shall express gratitude to the delivery driver by watching from the window. The driver may or may not know of this honour. It is nonetheless sincere.

Conclusion

These decrees take effect immediately and will be enforced with great seriousness by the royal guards, who are asleep. Violators will be stared at.

Signed with a paw print, by the Duke and the Lady, and countersigned by the cat on the radiator.

Appendix: Penalties

Subjects who break the Decree shall be subject to the following penalties, to be determined by the court and enforced by the nearest cushion. A first offence shall earn a cold look. A second offence shall earn a long silence at dinner. A third offence shall result in being placed on the bad list, which is a piece of paper on the fridge.

This decree is a work of satire.