Category: Royal Decrees

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Memo: Bubble Wrap, and the Question of Whether It Is Still Allowed

A cat stepping gingerly on a sheet of bubble wrap with suspicion

TO: All residents and staff. FROM: The Royal Office of Acoustics. RE: Bubble wrap.

It has come to our attention that bubble wrap has been appearing in the lobby, in the corridors, and on at least one throne. This memo clarifies the rules.

Background

Bubble wrap arrives with certain deliveries as a protective layer. Once removed, it becomes a sheet of tiny, popping delights that attract cats from across the property. The sound of a pop, small and sharp, causes the ears to turn. The second pop causes the head to turn. The third pop causes the whole body to leap.

Concerns Raised

  • Noise levels reached 62 decibels on Monday
  • A cat sat in the middle of a sheet for four hours, popping nothing
  • A kitten attempted to pop the whole sheet at once
  • An elderly resident complained that the popping reminded him of rain

New Rules

Bubble wrap shall be allowed on weekdays between 10 AM and noon. Popping outside those hours shall be considered a disturbance. Any cat caught popping at night shall be issued a warning in the form of a gentle sigh.

Alternatives

Cats who find themselves unable to resist the pop may use the Pop Room, a designated space in the basement filled with old bubble wrap, soft flooring, and a very understanding cushion. Entry is free.

Special Note

The satisfaction of a pop is a universal pleasure. It does not discriminate between age, breed, or social standing. The Royal Office, though committed to peace and quiet, recognises this and urges all residents to be kind.

Thank you for your understanding and your silence between the hours specified.

Further Reading

Residents who wish to learn more about the history of bubble wrap and its role in modern society may consult the Royal Library, a shelf in the study. The books are mostly used for sitting, but one volume on packaging is genuinely informative and has been chewed.

Please direct questions about this memo to the front desk, which is unmanned.

This memo is a fictional parody.

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Press Release: Cardboard Royale Opens a Second Location in a Slightly Bigger Box

A cat standing proudly in front of an enormous flattened cardboard sign

Cardboard Royale is pleased to announce the opening of its second location, a handsome refrigerator box delivered yesterday to the corner of the dining room. The new premises offer double the floor space, triple the echo, and a view of the radiator.

A Milestone for the Company

“This is the biggest moment in our history,” said Duke Corrugato, who was lying inside the box at the time. “We have grown from one box to two, and we have never looked back, mostly because we were looking at the box.”

Features of the New Location

  • Two rooms, joined by a tunnel
  • A skylight, cut by a claw
  • An entrance hall with a built in scratching pad
  • A secret exit, known only to the staff
  • A rooftop terrace, flat and slightly damp

The Opening Ceremony

The ribbon was cut by the youngest member of the royal family, a kitten named Tab. The ribbon was a piece of tape. Tab became entangled, rolled across the floor, and was freed by three courtiers. The guests applauded politely.

Impact on the Local Community

The new location will create employment opportunities for up to four cats, though they will have to compete with the existing staff for a small number of cushions. We expect the community to benefit from an increase in quality loafing.

Looking to the Future

Our expansion plans include a third location, a tall box we have spotted in the hallway. It is currently occupied, but we are in negotiations with the owner, a laundry basket.

About Cardboard Royale

Cardboard Royale offers fine corrugated living since the last delivery. We are a fictional enterprise, and our properties are strictly figments of the imagination.

Staff Comments

Lady Flute, who attended the ceremony from within her usual cushion, described the new location as adequate. This is the highest praise she has ever given. The staff celebrated with a short parade down the hallway, which ended when someone discovered a sock.

We would like to thank all those who supported us on our journey, including the vendor of the box, who has asked to remain anonymous and unreturned.

This announcement is an exercise in satire.

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Decree of the Royal Family: New Rules for Delivery Day

A small cat sitting on a pile of newly delivered parcels on a doorstep

HEAR YE, HEAR YE. By the authority granted to us by the sacred order of corrugation, we, Duke Corrugato and Lady Flute of Cardboard Royale, hereby decree the following regulations concerning Delivery Day.

Article One: The Arrival

When the doorbell rings, all subjects shall run to the door at speed and assemble in a semicircle. No subject shall open the door. This is the task of the human, who has been trained for it and will be thanked later with a stare.

Article Two: The Inspection

Every parcel shall be sniffed on all sides. Parcels bearing the smell of another animal shall be treated with suspicion. Parcels bearing no smell at all shall be treated with suspicion and respect.

Article Three: The Claim

  • The first cat to sit on a box owns it
  • A box with its contents removed is open to claim by anyone
  • A box with its contents still inside is the property of the human, until they leave the room
  • Tape shall be removed by claw, for entertainment

Article Four: The Disposal

No box shall be recycled before it has been used for at least seven days. A box sent for recycling prematurely shall be considered an act of aggression, and the offending human shall be subject to a prolonged meow at 4 AM.

Article Five: Gratitude

All cats shall express gratitude to the delivery driver by watching from the window. The driver may or may not know of this honour. It is nonetheless sincere.

Conclusion

These decrees take effect immediately and will be enforced with great seriousness by the royal guards, who are asleep. Violators will be stared at.

Signed with a paw print, by the Duke and the Lady, and countersigned by the cat on the radiator.

Appendix: Penalties

Subjects who break the Decree shall be subject to the following penalties, to be determined by the court and enforced by the nearest cushion. A first offence shall earn a cold look. A second offence shall earn a long silence at dinner. A third offence shall result in being placed on the bad list, which is a piece of paper on the fridge.

This decree is a work of satire.