Tag: corrugated

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A Letter From the Duke: On the Matter of the Missing Lid

A cat looking suspiciously at a box with no lid in a dim room

To our valued residents, I write to you with a heavy heart. Last night, between the hours of 2 AM and 5 AM, the lid of the Royal Box vanished. It was a fine lid. It had served us well. It will be missed.

The Evidence

A thorough search of the house has revealed no lid. We found a feather, a hair tie, and a small piece of cheese, but not the lid. We have therefore concluded that the lid was taken, and we have named a suspect.

The Suspect

The suspect is Gary, a ginger cat who was last seen lying on a pile of laundry with a look of absolute innocence. When questioned, Gary declined to speak. When asked whether he was involved, he yawned. We consider this a confession.

Our Response

  • A reward of one dried shrimp for the return of the lid
  • A new lid of equal dignity, ordered from the delivery service
  • An increase in night patrols, performed by the sleepy guard
  • A public ceremony of mourning on Thursday, with snacks

A Reflection

A lid is more than a piece of cardboard. It is a promise of privacy, a roof over the head, and a symbol of all we hold dear. It is also an excellent surface for sitting on, when no one is watching.

A Plea

If you have seen the lid, or know its whereabouts, please step forward. You will not be punished. You will be offered a snack, a lengthy thank you, and possibly a small medal.

Yours in corrugation and in hope, His Grace, Duke Corrugato of Cardboard Royale.

Postscript

UPDATE: As we went to press, a faint rustling was heard under the sofa. The lid, it appears, was there all along, along with two socks, a bottle cap, and a very small spider. Gary has asked that all charges be dropped. They will not be dropped, but they will be reduced to a warning.

This letter is a work of satire.

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Interior Design Series: The Art of the Cardboard Throne

A cat sitting regally on a box with a small purple cushion on top

Interior design need not be expensive. At Cardboard Royale, we have discovered that the most elegant seat in any home is a well chosen box with a flat top. We call it the Throne, and today we will show you how to make one.

Selecting Your Base

Choose a sturdy box, preferably one that once carried something dense, such as books. The box should be at least as tall as a standard cushion. Avoid anything that dents easily. A dented throne is a throne that has been challenged.

Preparing the Surface

Remove all tape, labels, and staples from the top. Flatten any flaps and tuck them inward. Smooth the surface with a paw until it is level, and then walk across it twice to test it. If it holds, it will hold.

Adding Comfort

  • A small cushion in a rich colour
  • A folded blanket for warmth
  • A single feather, for ambiance
  • A sprinkling of fur, which will appear on its own

Positioning

Place the throne in a location with a good view of the room, ideally near a window. The ruler of the house must see everything, including the door, the kitchen, and the sofa that is rightfully theirs.

The Ceremony

Once the throne is ready, climb up slowly. Turn around once. Settle down. Look at your subjects. Do not blink first. The coronation is complete when a nearby human says the words, “Oh, look at her,” in a quiet voice.

Pitfalls

A throne is not a trampoline. Repeated jumping will cause the top to cave in, leaving the ruler in an undignified position. If this occurs, step away calmly and say that you meant to do it.

Our design consultants are available for home visits, though they prefer to be visited at home.

Final Touches

A true throne is never finished. Add a small flag if you wish, made from a bit of ribbon and a pencil. Keep it away from the edge, as a flag tends to attract a paw. Our consultants note that a throne without a flag is simply a seat, and a seat without a ruler is simply a box.

This article is satire and offers no real design advice.

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Care and Maintenance: Keeping Your Box in Royal Condition

A cat gently grooming itself inside a tidy cardboard box with a cushion

A box is an investment, and like any investment it requires care. With the correct upkeep, a Cardboard Royale residence can last for many weeks. Without it, you may find yourself with a pancake.

Daily Routine

Each morning, step carefully around the perimeter and inspect the walls. Look for dents, stains, and signs of structural fatigue. A small dent can be pushed out with a paw. A large dent should be treated as a feature.

Weekly Maintenance

  • Rotate the box a quarter turn to even out wear
  • Remove stray fur using a lint roller or a friend
  • Check the flaps for fraying
  • Replace any cushion that has been sat on too aggressively
  • Remove any tape that has begun to unravel

Dealing With Moisture

Moisture is the enemy of corrugation. Keep your box away from open windows, leaking taps, and the dog’s water bowl. If the base becomes soft, do not panic. Move to a second box, and leave the first to recover for a few days. A tired box needs rest, as we all do.

Cleaning

Do not wash a box. Instead, wipe it with a dry cloth, or leave it in a sunny spot. A faint smell of cat is a mark of authenticity and should not be removed. Our experts describe it as the signature of the house.

When to Replace

A box should be replaced when it can no longer hold its shape, when the sides have collapsed, or when it has been flattened by a human who claimed it was clutter. Replacement boxes are available at the front desk, though most customers simply wait for the next delivery.

A Final Tip

Always keep a spare. A cat without a spare box is a cat in a crisis, and a crisis in a house is never a quiet one.

Seasonal Advice

In winter, line the floor of the box with a blanket or a discarded jumper. In summer, remove the lid and place the box near a fan. In spring, check for insects. In autumn, enjoy the sound of leaves against the wall, and consider whether you really need a lid at all.

This guide is fictional and for amusement only.

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Fine Corrugated Living: A Buyer’s Guide to Boxes

A cat peering out from a large brown cardboard box in a sunlit room

At Cardboard Royale, we believe a home is more than four walls and a flap. It is a place where a cat can sit in comfort, look out upon the world, and decline to participate in it. Choosing the right box is a serious decision, so allow us to guide you.

Consider the Dimensions

The first rule of box selection is that the cat must fit, but only just. A box that is too large offers no sense of enclosure and may as well be a room. A box that is too small can still be entered, although this is a matter of will and not of space. Our consultants measure each client with a tape and a sigh.

Evaluate the Walls

Corrugated walls are the mark of quality. Single wall is suitable for casual occupancy. Double wall is recommended for permanent residents. Triple wall is reserved for the Royal Suites and has been known to withstand a determined sibling.

Inspect the Flaps

  • Open flaps offer a sense of freedom and a draught
  • Closed flaps offer privacy and a gentle sense of mystery
  • Half open flaps offer both, and are therefore the preferred choice of the indecisive
  • Torn flaps are described in the listing as character

Check the Previous Owner

A box with history is a box with soul. We provide a full provenance for every property, including its original contents. A box that once carried a kettle is robust. A box that once carried a hat is delicate. A box that once carried a wedding cake is, frankly, aspirational.

Location, Location, Location

A box in the middle of the hallway is highly visible and suitable for ambushes. A box in the corner offers shelter and discretion. A box on the kitchen floor is positioned for snacks. Our agents recommend a box near a radiator, but warn that radiators are in high demand.

Mortgage and Terms

All properties are offered on a standard lease of nine lives. Payment is accepted in treats, cuddles, or a single determined stare. Early termination is permitted should the box be flattened by a human without notice.

We look forward to helping you find your forever box, at least until Thursday.

This guide is satirical and not real property advice.