At Cardboard Royale, we believe a home is more than four walls and a flap. It is a place where a cat can sit in comfort, look out upon the world, and decline to participate in it. Choosing the right box is a serious decision, so allow us to guide you.
Consider the Dimensions
The first rule of box selection is that the cat must fit, but only just. A box that is too large offers no sense of enclosure and may as well be a room. A box that is too small can still be entered, although this is a matter of will and not of space. Our consultants measure each client with a tape and a sigh.
Evaluate the Walls
Corrugated walls are the mark of quality. Single wall is suitable for casual occupancy. Double wall is recommended for permanent residents. Triple wall is reserved for the Royal Suites and has been known to withstand a determined sibling.
Inspect the Flaps
- Open flaps offer a sense of freedom and a draught
- Closed flaps offer privacy and a gentle sense of mystery
- Half open flaps offer both, and are therefore the preferred choice of the indecisive
- Torn flaps are described in the listing as character
Check the Previous Owner
A box with history is a box with soul. We provide a full provenance for every property, including its original contents. A box that once carried a kettle is robust. A box that once carried a hat is delicate. A box that once carried a wedding cake is, frankly, aspirational.
Location, Location, Location
A box in the middle of the hallway is highly visible and suitable for ambushes. A box in the corner offers shelter and discretion. A box on the kitchen floor is positioned for snacks. Our agents recommend a box near a radiator, but warn that radiators are in high demand.
Mortgage and Terms
All properties are offered on a standard lease of nine lives. Payment is accepted in treats, cuddles, or a single determined stare. Early termination is permitted should the box be flattened by a human without notice.
We look forward to helping you find your forever box, at least until Thursday.
This guide is satirical and not real property advice.